


In my dreams shadows call

by Kylosmom



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben is still gone, Bittersweet Ending, Dreams vs. Reality, F/M, Fix-It, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Visions, Kyber Crystals, Post-Canon, Rey is going through it, Who needs the Jedi texts when you have Maz, Writing this was cheaper than therapy, chewbacca is the realest, not the ending we wanted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24035449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kylosmom/pseuds/Kylosmom
Summary: He lives in her nightmares, her dreams, her memories. Sometimes he is Kylo Ren, other times Ben Solo. Every day she sorts through their journey together, the good and the bad.Every time the Force connected them. The fights they had. The tears they shed.But sometimes at night she sees their future, what had once been a promise was now a dream.And it will only ever be a dream.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	In my dreams shadows call

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! How did you find this?
> 
> Apparently writing angst is my quarantine coping mechanism. Look, TROS did a number on me and trying to navigate through that has been interesting to say the least. The main idea for this story came to me after seeing [this tik tok](https://www.tiktok.com/@darkreyy/video/6822676602233638149) and I spent the rest of the night writing it.
> 
> I admittedly know very little about kyber crystals but after hours of research I found out that not many people do so forgive me if this is wildly inaccurate. 
> 
> If you like it, leave kudos or comment. If you didn't, leave a kudos or comment anyways!
> 
> Stay safe everyone!

Kef Bir’s vast ocean was as tumultuous as she remembered, the waves crashing violently and her hair whipping around her. From the wreckage of the Death Star the ocean felt more violent as it ripped onto the shore. Rey had had several dreams about taking the skim speeder over those waters. Every dream that plagued her forced her to relive a day that she would rather forget. 

It isn’t even her dreams fault really. Even if she had dreamless sleep every night for the rest of her life she doubted anyone would let her forget any of what had happened. Everywhere she went she was instantly recognized as the savior of the galaxy. The deified hero who single-handedly killed Snoke, Palpatine, and Kylo Ren.

It felt wrong. So wrong.

She would take some credit for Palpatine. Snoke and Kylo Ren though?

That was all Ben. Ben was the only one who could have done it.

A naive version of herself had thought flying across the galaxy was enough to save that lost boy who was shrouded in darkness. Watching his family’s lightsaber tear through his abuser’s body in order to save her had felt like a victory in the moment and in a way it had been. He became the Supreme Leader, the ruler of the galaxy, something that was supposed to make him feel worthy of...something.

And so Kylo Ren lived to see another day. 

Rey knew after that that she could not destroy Kylo Ren. There was only one person who could have saved Ben Solo and he had. 

Then he died while saving her. And that death she could take credit for.

Rey’s nightmares of Exegol greatly outnumbered the ones she had about Kef Bir or Jakku or the throne room or anywhere else. Every other night she found herself looking into Ben’s eyes, something she had craved for so long. She opens her mouth to try and tell him everything she had never been able to say, but he fades away before anything comes out.

Sometimes he was angry at her in the dreams, a fire that was so Kylo Ren that she almost could not look at him. He berates her for not taking his hand. If she had they could have gone to Exegol together, they could have come up with a plan that had them both surviving.

Other times he cries and cries because he knows that this could have been prevented if he had left with her after he killed Snoke. He could have hugged his mother, atoned for his sins before standing with her to fight the Emperor. 

On four different occasions she found herself staring down at her own lifeless body, Ben clutching it close. He had whispered many things to her in the moments before she was revived but- no matter how close Rey gets to him in these dreams- she cannot decipher what he is saying. Those are the dreams she wakes up from crying, breathless, and inconsolable no matter what Finn and Rose do. 

Finn and Rose assumed that the nightmares are about Palpatine. She cannot bring herself to tell them what really happens in her dreams let alone what actually happened on Exegol. She is not sure she has the energy to try and clear Ben’s name to people that still used his portrait as target practice in the common rooms of the Resistance base. 

Sometimes her dreams gifted her with a moment of peace. A memory that she clings to had appeared to her once or twice in her sleep even though she knows it will never come to pass. In a large field full of yellow flowers a little boy with a head of dark curls runs up to her with the biggest smile, a younger girl with brown braids toddles behind him, squealing with delight when she finally reaches the boy. She does not know what they are saying but the warmth that spreads inside her feels so real that she smiles every time. Her smile only grows when Ben appears and picks the two children into his arms, kissing them both on the head before he leans forward to place a kiss on Rey’s forehead. She can never figure out what planet they are on, but she wants to find that place more and more every day. 

Last night had been different though. Rey had found herself on the Death Star ruins of Kef Bir and she immediately braced herself for a reenactment of her last duel with Kylo Ren. However the oceans were still, there was no rain pelting her. She walked out onto the wreckage only to see two familiar figures out on the very edge. She silently continued down the stretch of weathered metal and listened closely for the conversation that was happening.

“I know what I have to do but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.”

It was a phrase that had stuck with her since the day Han died. The day that she decided Kylo Ren needed to pay. The line that haunted her in her darkest moments.

But there was a difference in the way it was said this time. There was a brokenness there that she had never heard before.

Was this Kylo Ren or was this Ben?

In a mirror to a moment that she would never forget, Han put his hand on his son’s cheek. It had been a gesture that haunted both Rey and Kylo. She had seen it in his dreams multiple times. She knew he had regretted his decision when his father had been so affectionate, even in his final moments.

Now it felt like healing.

“You do,” Han responded and Rey nearly fell to her knees at hearing his voice. 

Kylo’s jaw had trembled. This was it, she knew. The death of Kylo Ren.

“Dad,” he whispered.

“I know,” Han said and it felt natural, as though this was something he had done many times. Rey felt like she had to look away because it felt like too intimate a moment.

Without warning Ben turned around to throw his saber into the ocean and she felt herself crumble, her knees colliding with the metal beneath her. Ben’s head turned so quickly at the sound that Rey swears she heard his neck crack.

“Rey?” Ben called, his surprise evident.

She looked at him, the man that could have given her everything she wanted, the man who just threw away the only thing that had truly kept her from him, and immediately began to cry. He rushed towards her, sliding to his knees in front of her. He gingerly took his face into his hands and his eyes searched hers in the hopes of finding an explanation as to what was happening.

“I should have taken your hand,” the words fell out of her without thinking. “Any of the times you offered. I can’t- I shouldn’t have- Ben, I’m sorry.”

Ben stared at her with an unreadable expression and it felt like an eternity before he spoke again. “It nearly destroyed me, but you were right to do so. Neither of us were ready for what it meant.” He wiped a tear from her cheek. “It’s okay.”

Her tears were falling in a way that could not be stopped and she pulled him into a strong embrace, grasping onto him and his warmth so hard that he might have been unable to breathe. There was a brief moment of hesitation before his arms wrapped around her. It was almost too much, to feel him again, to smell his scent. She had slept with his sweater every night since Exegol but it had stopped smelling like him months ago. She was overwhelmed.

“Don’t leave me,” she had whispered.

He pulled back to look at her. He studied her in the same way he had before had she kissed him, like he was trying to memorize her.

She nearly screamed when she felt herself waking up. As the dream began to fade she felt Ben’s lips on her forehead, the same way he did in the Force vision.

When Rey awoke she marched straight to the Falcon. The sun was just beginning to rise and the base was silent in the early dawn. She knocked gently on the lift door of the Falcon, trying not to scare Chewie into thinking this was some life threatening emergency.

“Intense dream?” a voice asked and Rey nearly jumped out of her skin.

She turned to see none other than Maz Kanata with her all-knowing eyes bright despite the early morning.

“You could say that,” Rey huffed out. “I think I need to get off-world for a while.”

Maz nodded slowly. “The Resistance can feel stifling sometimes, especially when the Force calls to you loudly.”

“Isn’t that the truth,” Rey sighed. “I’ve felt so isolated here. Everyone treats me like I’m some deity, but I’m truly not.”

“The curse of the Jedi,” Maz laughs. “Placed on a pedestal you feel you will never deserve.”

Rey looked down and tried not to think about Ben’s undying frustration of the pressure he had felt growing up.

I was named after a man who was said to be the only hope of ending the war, he had told her through the bond on a stormy night. 

Did he? She asked.

My mother seems to think so, he had sighed so deeply that she felt in her bones. I grew up hearing stories of Ben Kenobi and how I could be great like him if I embraced my talents. That is a lot to put on a five year old.

Do you think you have achieved it? She whispered.

He pondered it for a moment but the bond ended before he could answer.

“Why haven’t you made your lightsaber yet?” Maz’s voice broke through her thoughts.

Rey blinked. “I have Luke’s and, and Leia’s.”

“But they aren’t yours,” Maz pointed out. “A lightsaber is supposed to be an extension of the Jedi, a part of them. You have to bond with your crystal to make a powerful weapon.”

“I wouldn’t even know where to begin,” Rey admitted. “The texts don’t have a lot written about it.”

“Literature can only get you so far.” She placed her hand on Rey’s wrist. “Let the force lead you.”

Rey looked away and Maz smiled. “I think you already know where the force wants you to go.”

Rey huffed a laugh. “I’m afraid of what I’ll find there.”

Confronting fear is the destiny of the Jedi, Luke had told her.

“You can do it,” Maz said confidently before she marched over to the Falcon’s lift, knocking on it with a force that echoed through the hangar.

A few moments later the lift lowered and a tired looking Chewbacca poked his head out.

“I believe this Jedi has an adventure that needs to be tended to immediately,” Maz explained.

Chewbacca looked at Rey and then motioned her on board. She scurried up the ramp only to stop when Maz called out her name. “May the Force be with you,” Maz smiled.

Rey gave a nod and marched straight to the cockpit to begin pre-flight checks.

…

Rey had every intention of finding another skimmer to journey to the wreckage but Chewbacca shook his head. 

“It was too dangerous and she was lucky to have survived the last journey,” he growled. “I’ll be dropping you off directly on it.”

Rey had sighed loudly but agreed. Together they maneuvered the Falcon to get as close as they could, getting near enough for Rey to only jump down a short distance. She grabbed a comlink and promised to call when she was ready before he lowered the ramp and she dropped down to the wreckage.

It looked exactly like her dream, exactly like it had a year ago. She walked down the strip with measured steps knowing that if she fell and hurt herself Chewie would never let her hear the end of it. 

She walked for what felt like an eternity. When she fought Kylo it had felt shorter than this, but walking it now she was surprised that they covered so much ground. No wonder she had been so exhausted afterwards.

Yah your exhaustion had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you participated in intense hand to hand combat, Force pushed your best friend and then brought Ben back from the brink of death, a sarcastic voice inside her head quipped.

Rey huffed but kept on. The waves crashed all around her and she was soaked before she was even half-way down. She could turn back, nothing the Force wanted to show her could be worth this. Maybe she could ask Jannah when a better time to go would be, wait until this stormy weather subsided.

She had nearly decided to com Chewie to come get her when she finally heard it. A melody drifted above the roar of the water around her, a sweet sound that beckoned her on. Rey’s feet moved on their own accord and with each step the song got louder and her desire to get closer grew.

When she reached the end Rey had to stop herself from diving into the ocean beyond the wreckage. The song was the only thing could hear now, any other ambient sounds fading into oblivion.

She reached out, searching for where exactly the melody was coming from before the Force stopped in the middle of the ocean, too far to swim. Rey felt herself deflate and she wondered yet again if this was a mistake. Her knowledge of kyber crystals was almost non-existent but she figured the chances of finding one in the middle of the ocean was not good.

So why is the song so loud?

A memory slammed into her as she found herself in her dream from the night before, the dream that had beckoned her here. Kylo and Han talking. Han forgiving his son. Ben throwing his lightsaber-

Into the middle of the ocean.

Rey gasped when she came back to the present. This was going to be tricky. Sure she had called lightsabers to her before, lightsabers that were not necessarily her’s but responded to her anyway. But those had been crystal attuned to the light. Kylo’s had been bled to the point of it shattering.

Yet it had come to her in Snoke’s throne room.

Granted she was drowning in un-Jedi-like behavior, but it had obeyed her nonetheless. 

It was worth a shot.

She reached out yet again and quickly located the saber. She took a deep breath before wrapping the Force around the hilt buried deep within the ocean and pulled. 

But it did not budge.

She huffed out a breath before trying yet again with the same result. She did this for a while, losing at a game of tug-of-war with an object that was just as stubborn as its owner had been.

Rey’s patience was wearing thin, she refused to let this go. The siren song rang out yet again and Rey screamed in frustration. Without warning she felt the seductive call of the Dark grasp hold of her and she embraced it. 

The lightsaber came to her hand instantly.

Rey stared at it in shock. The weapon that had brought so much pain and suffering to so many radiated a darkness that she had never felt before. The whole experience, the velvet feeling that surrounded her, the power that surged through her…

The chill that she felt in her bones.

The vision of Ben on Exegol bathed in the light of the Skywalker saber tore her from the Darkness that threatened to tear her apart. This was Kylo Ren’s lightsaber and Ben’s crystal was inside there practically begging to escape.

She knew instantly that she was going to dismantle the saber to reach that piece of Ben and attempt to heal the crystal, but Kef Bir was not the place for it. This was the resting place of the Empire and Kylo Ren. It may be a place of rebirth to some but the Darkness still lurked for Rey and she knew she could not stay here.

Go to Naboo, a voice- Leia’s voice whispered.

…

It did not take much convincing to get Chewie to take her to Naboo. He had accompanied Han, Leia, Luke and Ben there multiple times to visit the resting place of Padme Amidala. The place held fond memories for Chewie of simpler times when his friends were the most at peace, smiling and laughing and celebrating the amazing woman that gave the galaxy the Skywalker twins.

As they entered the atmosphere Rey was immediately taken with its beauty. Even though she had only visited a handful of planets, Rey had a feeling that Naboo would become her favorite. Chewie landed in a hangar just outside the city, telling Rey that he would be spending the day doing necessary repairs to the Falcon. Rey nodded, grabbed her tool set, and set out to find a place to meditate.

If she was not so determined to start the process she would have spent hours wandering the countryside and taking it all in. She put revisiting Naboo on her mental list of things to do when life calmed down. Maybe bring Finn, Rose and Poe here. She doubted Finn and Rose had ever been her and they would be just as taken as she was with it.

Whether or not she walked for minutes or hours was unknown to Rey but when she saw it she nearly cried. It looked exactly like she had seen in her vision.

The yellow flowers seemed to go on for miles, it took up the entire meadow. Rey immediately pictured the two children running around these fields with not a care in the world. She imagined Ben braiding flowers into her hair while their children played around them. Picnics that would go on till the sunset, when the boy and girl struggled to keep their eyes open as exhaustion crept up on them so much that Ben had to carry them back. In another life this field was the center of Rey’s universe.

The tears that fell down her cheeks should not have surprised her. 

You’re allowed to mourn a life you never had, a voice soothed her. I too dreamed of my family here. It was what kept me focused, propelled me forward when the politics felt crushing. It’s okay, you will find peace.

Rey did not know where the voice hailed from but she found comfort in the words nonetheless. She sat down amongst the flora and cried. It hurt. It really did. She had always wanted a family, a group of people that not only needed her but also wanted her. Sometimes she felt that way at the Resistance and her friends were loving and cared for her.

But the two children and the man that dominated her imagination had surpassed everything she had ever felt. Somehow it made Jakku and all the heartbreak she felt there fade away, replaced by a world that she knew would always be hers. Even if it was not in this life.

…

It was late afternoon when she decided to dismantle the saber. To say the experience was healing was an understatement. As she carefully took it apart she thought back to the Force connecting her to Ben a lifetime ago, when each passing visit allowed her to peel back the layers of Kylo Ren until Ben Solo showed through. She had traveled across the galaxy in the hopes of finally releasing Ben Solo from the Dark that had ruled him for so long and- although he killed his oppressor to save her- he simply was not ready.

For the longest time she had felt like a failure, an embarrassment. Now she realizes she does not regret it. 

I don’t know if I would have done it, he admitted during a Force bond that she cannot place. I just knew once he hurt you that I needed to end him. If not for you, I doubt I would have followed through with any of it.

The honesty in his eyes had felt earth shattering at that moment. They had fought through the bond quite a bit in the year between Crait and Kef Bir. But every now and then, in the quiet moments when both of them were exhausted, both of them would tell each other secrets no one knew and that neither of them wanted to acknowledge. 

The crystal nearly burned her palm when she finally got it out of the hilt. Kylo Ren’s trademark anger had still raged through its cracks. She could echoes of the crystal’s screams when it was bled. Its screams were nearly as loud as Ben’s had been when he infused the crystal with the Darkness that had overtaken him. The act had broken him, destroyed his heart and his crystal. 

Rey was not sure what to do with it. She knew she had to meditate on it but the pain that she felt radiating from it made her want to bury it in the ground to hopefully never be found again. The Force was persistent though and practically begged her to heal its creation.

She sighed deeply and settled into a comfortable position to focus. When she closed her eyes the waves of anger that came over her were suffocating, she struggled to breathe for what seemed like an eternity before she called on the memory of Finn coming back for her on Starkiller. The next emotion the crystal gave her was sadness. The crystal had broken just like its owner had and both felt like they could never be repaired. She countered with Han gently placing his hand on Ben’s face on Kef Bir. His words of a forgiveness only a father could give, allowing Ben to finally destroy the person that had broken the crystal.

She felt the crystal begin to grow quiet as it became less and less hot. With the encouragement of the Force she pulled the memories that she dwelled on to start impressing on the crystal. Stealing the Falcon to finally escape Jakku, Han offering her a job, Finn giving her his jacket on Starkiller, the lightsaber responding to her call in the snow, Leia hugging her when she returned to base, finding the island that plagued her dreams on Jakku, every connection she experienced with Ben, touching Ben’s hand from across the stars, Ben’s face when he killed Snoke, the oneness she felt fighting with him, reuniting with Resistance, Leia training her, Ben relentlessly pursuing her even when she hurt him, Ben coming for her with nothing but a blaster, Ben saving her, Ben’s smile after they kissed her…

She found herself withholding her vision from the crystal though, it felt too intimate to give to this. The Force was there immediately to encourage her. This crystal was going to be a part of her and in order to do that it would need everything that made her her.

So she dreamed of her children again. She dreamed of Ben and everything he meant to her. Everything she would have said to him and done for him in that life. The laughs and tears and smiles that would have defined their lives together. And for the first time since Exegol she felt like she was going to be okay.

She felt her vision of the future change. She would become the Jedi of Naboo, welcoming Force-sensitives from all over the galaxy to learn how special they were, to learn that the Force may not be exclusively theirs but rather a gift that they have more control over. She would help them find balance in a way she and Ben did in their final moments together.

Her life would be good. She would be happy. Sure, it was going to take a while, but she would become the guidance that she had craved as a child. This was her future and for the first time she smiled about this new path.

It is going to be great sweetheart, Ben’s voice encouraged.

Somewhere from her other life Ben and their kids watched her, the smiles on their faces the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Ben held their daughter in his arms while he held tightly to their son’s hand. In another life she got to see this every day and it would renew her in ways she never thought possible. They walked towards her and Rey held her breath.

Give mommy a kiss goodnight, he instructed them as he set the girl down.

Her daughter wrapped her short arms around her neck before kissing her on the cheek. Goodnight mommy, she whispered.

Her son nearly knocked her over with the force of his hug. I love you mom.

Then Ben, her Ben, who she had fought for, who owned her heart like no one ever had, kissed her on the forehead and then the nose before pressing a sweet kiss to her lips. I will always be with you, he promised. In this life and the next life and the next. You’re not alone.

Neither are you, she whispered automatically. Goodnight.

With that Ben took their kids in his arms and faded into her next life. 

Rey did not cry. This was not goodbye forever. This was the Force making her a promise.

And Rey somehow found peace in that.

…

When Rey finally opened her eyes again it was night time. The field had become too dark to see the crystal but she knew it was hers now, that it was no longer bled and that it had been claimed for the light yet again.

Carefully she walked back to the Falcon with anticipation coursing through her. Her walk back to the hangar felt shorter than when she had set off early in the day. Chewbacca hugged her when she returned and she thanked him profusely for taking her. He smiled at that, assuring her that it had been a quiet day he did not know he needed. 

“Did you get what you came here for?” He asked.

When she opened her hand in response the two of them gasped in awe. Yellow. Healed. Practically glowing in her hands. 

It reminded her of the field she would find in her next life.

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me on tumblr @sarahphrasing
> 
> Reviews from my friends that made me crack up:
> 
> "THATS SO GOOD SARAH and also very sad BUT VERY GOOD"  
> \- Megan
> 
> "You're gonna rip my heart out in this one aren't you?"  
> \- Jackie
> 
> "That was f***ing beautiful and I want that more than ever right now"  
> \- Xan


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